Do you really love it or are you making too many films? Ask yourself these 5 questions

As it is an abstract idea, it is surrounded by a myriad of desires which in many cases do not materialize or come true. Nevertheless, we continue, with all the risks that this entails; ultimately it is a very close emotional union that can last for years and in some cases we do nothing but deceive ourselves, believing that this person is very different from what we are. ‘she really is.

It’s very easy to give up and wait for things to improve, just like that, without warning. When you start a relationship, it’s obvious that what you don’t see weighs more than what you do see: after all, you’re building castles in the air about the person in question and your hypothetical future life together. . But that doesn’t mean you have to give up and wait for the better version of yourself you aspire to to emerge. Ultimately, the more time passes, the harder it will be to get rid of this false idea you have about him or her.

“I’ve seen a lot of people get trapped by the ideal and what their partner could be, caught in the fantasy,” explains Leah Aguirre, a psychologist at the University of California, in the journal Psychology Today. “When you are in the middle of a relationship with these glasses that make you see things as they are not, it is very difficult to see reality. You are then less likely to detect incompatibilities or differences in the core values ​​that define you. You’re also more likely to miss the red flags and continue the relationship much longer than you should.”

But, above all, the person is who they are at the present moment. Therefore, “we cannot expect our partners to be someone they are not, nor to change or achieve this ideal if they do not want to change or if they do not have the intrinsic desire to do it”. In other words, we must strive not to fall into self-deception and end up falling in love with the unreal image of a person. “If you expect things to be different, they probably won’t be,” warns the psychologist.

Thinking too much about the future or the past

However, you may be so trapped that you don’t even realize that this person is not the one you see on a daily basis. In this sense, Aguirre cites six signs to know how to identify if your partner’s personality differs a lot from the reality of what you have in mind. One of them is “thinking too much about the future of the relationship and how things could go instead of enjoying the person and the relationship in the present,” explains the psychologist. And yes, it may be the desire to change the partner to fit your ideal version of the relationship you want.

Self-deception can also lead you to ignore any negative opinions about your partner, pretending that conflicts are due to other people’s circumstances.

On the other hand, if you think about the future, you also think about the past of the relationship, especially when you had just met and everything was new and exciting. “You prefer the first version of the partner to the person he is today.” This can inevitably lead to arguments with her, as there are a number of toxic behaviors that you attribute only to specific reasons and not to the person she is as a whole and the fact that she doesn’t doesn’t suit you at this point in the film.

Another character trait that determines that your partner is not at all what you want them to be is “diving too deeply into the problems and challenges that arise in your relationship with friends and family , becoming defensive when others express doubts and concerns about whether your romance is going well.” Self-deception can also lead you to ignore any negative opinions about your partner, pretending that conflicts arise from external circumstances that influence your relationship.

You’re trying too hard…

Finally, and perhaps the most important trait noted by Aguirre, you feel like you’re putting in a lot more effort than your partner to make the relationship go well. By having an image of him or her that does not match reality in your head, you attribute any problems that arise to a sudden change in his or her personality or behavior, telling yourself that this is not the case. case. Yes, make no mistake, it has always been this way and it will always be this way, no matter how much you want to change it, so you have to make choices.